As the New Year is approaching, I've been thinking about the everyday New Year resolution, such as, find a boyfriend, lose weight… or in my case, find yourself and the things I truly stand for.
Right now I'm all about the chase of understanding the people I know, want to know, and used to know. How relationships are formed, broken, and last. Why people say certain things when they mean another and why I let fear put a restriction on my life.
We have all experienced, in one form or another, these actions that cause uncertainty; when our head says "No. Seriously... NO!" but we still do or say or even think the NO. Maybe for some, it’s an out-of-body experience or for others a change is needed. But when is the outcome of the NO ever in our favor?
In my life, it seems like the NO never makes things better... it often digs a hole within me and I feel like I am trapped in a lie or more often stuck playing up only one side of my very diverse, complicated and ultimately Gemini personality.
When I hear my inner self say, "NO!" or in some cases, "What the hell was that?!" I find myself acting as if... well, just simply acting.
When placed, sometimes forced into situations I am a completely different person then I thought. It’s not that I am putting on a show for each group, relationship, or individual I become close with, it’s more a certain part of me is brought out.
What makes this hard is at the beginning of a relationship there is a spark of excitement, the beautiful thought of something new and honest. This first impression is the base of everything, and if you play up one side or another, you're trapped! The initial excitement was just a fling; I find myself having nothing in common with this now emotionally close friend or lover. A relationship I have put my heart into, but now doubt my quick choice to commit.
What is there to do… look past it? Is it possible to be too deep in the relationship to simply leave? Often for me, the fear no turns will show up before I hit my dead end restricts me from moving on.
Loneliness is a fear that seems too real, too hard, and too sad to face.
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